Tips from a matchmaker: Six mistakes you should avoid when using dating apps

Before becoming a professional dating consultant , I worked as a matchmaker for a national company. I had already arranged 499 dates for others and often swiped on a variety of dating apps for other people as part of my job.

In my opinion, these apps can be a great tool for meeting new people. However, using them can also lead to bad behavior and burnout. So, here are the biggest mistakes most people make when swiping—and tips on how to avoid them.

1. More is better – this does not apply to dating

Have you probably been told by someone that you should be more active in swiping, go on more dates, and ideally use multiple apps to be successful? However, the conventional advice “more is better” doesn’t apply to dating. It doesn’t actually increase the chances of meeting someone. Instead, it risks overload and oversaturation.

Because, just like slot machines, dating apps are designed to entice users by stimulating the pleasure center of their brain. This brain constantly craves quick and easy rewards, in this case, a match or a new message. We want to see evidence that what we want—in this case, a relationship—is out there.

But these apps are part of a four-billion-euro industry. Their job is to entice customers to use them regularly, so they constantly offer new options. However, when the brain has too many choices, the reasoning center automatically shuts down, and cognitive overload occurs. This always happens when external demands are more than one can mentally process. To avoid this, one should actively use only one dating app.

In my experience, no app is inherently more effective than the others. Therefore, you should save your energy for the app you like best. Then use it consciously and mindfully. I recommend spending 20 minutes a day with your chosen app. Mindlessly swiping through the app during your lunch break won’t achieve anything.

2. Don’t be afraid to take the first step

You might be worried about whether you’re on the right app, whether your profile is compelling, how the match you’re desperate to meet is like in real life, or whether you swiped left on your soulmate. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by all the decisions you have to make on dating apps. However, this perfectionist mindset is getting in your way.

Last year, a total of around nine million people in Germany alone used online dating. In countries like the US, the number is as high as 34 million. This means there are too many people to talk to, let alone date. So you have to remind yourself that you’re in it for a few matches, not to memorize the entire portfolio. With this attitude, you can approach dating with an app with more confidence—and sometimes even more fun.

3. Now writing back and forth alone does not help

So take the first step without overthinking it and start getting to know your partners better by asking them what you most want to know. For example, I love the question, “What has brought you the most pleasure lately?” It often reveals who is just looking for sex partners rather than building a real relationship.

Since there’s no way to find out whether someone is right for you just by texting back and forth, people on such apps are looking for excitement and curiosity, not certainty. Even though virtual dates are a good way to get clarity.

And if you feel like someone isn’t right for you, message them and let them go. You’re looking for something real, not something that might have potential. This way, you’ll have more space in your head and calendar to talk to people who are a good fit for you. A dry spell on a dating app is better than settling for someone who drains your energy.

4. Turn off notifications

You may be worried that you’ll alienate your best friend if you don’t respond right away. But don’t expect yourself or others to respond immediately just to keep you on the hook. Most people live full, rich lives and aren’t constantly glued to their phones. This is where a lot of potential for fatigue lies. These apps also offer an opportunity to consciously limit your “heart time,” or time spent on your love life.

Dating is a microcosm of all the hopes, joys, dreams, fears, insecurities, and desires we have as humans. It’s inherently a sensitive topic and can trigger anxiety when apps bombard us day and night.

I therefore recommend turning off all these notifications. It’s best to check the app once or twice a day and then do something you enjoy. With Matches, you can also switch to messaging services, depending on how comfortable you feel. It’s best not to sacrifice your mental and emotional health just to respond to someone immediately. The right person might take a while to get back to you. You can both take your time.

5. Be open about your own peculiarities

Humans are neurobiologically wired to treat rejection almost like death. Many people minimize this risk by trying to be like everyone else, especially on dating apps. This might mean trying to be super funny and outgoing even though they’re not in real life, including boring pictures on their profile because that’s what’s expected, or describing themselves as “chilled” because they think it will make it easier to find someone.

But on dating apps, your job is to be as much of yourself as possible to signal to the right partner that you’re unique and perfectly suited for them. That person won’t be able to find you if you try to be like everyone else. So be as bold and honest as possible.

If you’ve been to the “Gilmore Girls” fan fest twice, enjoy jogging and have a silly picture of yourself dressed as a Christmas tree while running a marathon, or are interested in trivia and spend your free time memorizing facts about former German chancellors, then include that in your profile. Such personal details will likely earn you more rejections. But the matches and messages you receive will be more valuable and meaningful.

6. Dating apps are a tool, not the answer to your love life

Relying on a dating app to “solve your singleness” is like being in a relationship you have no control over. To minimize the negative impact of dating apps on your mental health, it’s absolutely in your best interest to turn off notifications, set time limits, ask directly about your preferences, and let people who aren’t a good fit walk away.

If you use dating apps as a tool instead, a way to find a happy relationship, you are more likely to find the right partner for you because you set your own rules.